Please don’t do any of this.

#1 Buy when you’re happy, sell when you’re scared

Nothing helps you make better decisions than a proper mood swing! You’re looking at the chart. The stock is soaring. Options trade at all-time-highs, volatility in the hundreds of per-cents.

Deep in your heart, there’s a fire, a burning feeling: you’re missing out on the action! That’s precisely when you need to buy.

Usually, right after your buy order goes through, the stock dips. -5%, it’s ok, just a blip. -10%, OK that looks bad but I trust my guts. -20%, OMG!!!

Make sure you sell when you’re terrified and feel like the floor is crumbling underneath your feet.

#2 Always swim against the tide

Never listen to the wisdom of the crowd. You’ve been shorting Tesla since it crossed $100 before the split, good for you!

Following the trend, trading according to “momentum,” trying to understand human and group behaviours — these are not for you. You make your own way, that’s why you’ve been increasing your GME short this past week.

#3 Look at the price all the time

It’s scientifically proven, the more often you look at a chart, the more chances the price goes up. 83% of the time, it works all the time. True story.

More importantly, staring at a stock chart for hours on end has two added benefits. First, it provides you with the mood swings needed to trade according to #1 on the list. Second, it’ll make your spouse and children think you’re hard at work, being you sweet you-time for stressing and FOMOing in peace.

#4 The lower the price, the greater the potential

Amazon trades at $3,300. There’s no upside there — the returns are behind us already. Forget high price stocks. Focus on low prices.

Find a nice and shiny stock trading for $0.03.

For the price of one Amazon share, you can purchase 100,000 of these shares and the day they’ll be worth $3,300. You’re going to be the new Jeff Pesos!

#5 Options are much more fun

Shares are dull and slow. Who cares about making a steady 7–10% a year investing in MSFT or AAL.

Yes, you could have made 1,000% on Gamestop shares, but you could have earned a proper 100,000% on Gamestop options. Now that’s trading. That’s worth waking up for.

Once again, this is not advice you should follow. Please don’t do it. Please.